Bowmanville Badminton Club
Items from the mind of Gorzo the Mighty (a new badminton player and guest reporter).
Earthlings..... ummmm make that.... fellow badminton players. Here are a few stories I came across while.... studying your world so I can conquer and rule.... ummm make that.... learning badminton so I can be a better player.
Man Fails Feather Test
Vancouver BC - Novice badminton player, Frank Sculley is still playing the game however his "revolutionary" idea has been sidelined.
Sculley couldn't help but notice how often veteran players compared each others racquets. "I came to the conclusion that light was right!" says Sculley. "I also kept hearing the comment, 'Wow, this racquet is light as a feather!' Then it hit me. Why not make racquets out of compressed feathers?" Making the racquets more durable led to the" idea's" demise. "Unfortunately I was of the opinion that 2 pounds of feathers would only weigh a few grams... after all they're feathers! I've since learned that 2 pounds of feathers weigh a lot more than a few grams." scowled Sculley. "It was pretty heavy but I'm not sure of the exact weight. How was I supposed to know that 2 pounds of feathers would weigh so much?"
A planned lawsuit from the Vancouver Bird Lovers Society was filed after a society member spotted Sculley purchasing a pellet gun. The lawsuit has since been withdrawn.
Man's Facebook Status Given Book Deal
NEW YORK—HarperCollins Publishers announced Monday that 24-year-old Islip, NY resident Gerard Silverstein has accepted its offer of $250,000 to publish his Facebook status from 56 minutes ago, which reads, "In it to win it, suckas." "We're confident that In It To Win It, Suckas will be a huge success when it hits stores next summer," editorial director Edith Dalrymple said of the forthcoming hardcover, which will feature a 140-character forward by Stupid Crap My Dad Says author Justin Halpern. "The fact that Gerard's status already has six 'likes' and seven comments—only two of which are from him—tells us this property has a solid built-in audience."
Although the book has yet to make it to print Silverstein feels his creativity is on a roll as he states "I got another one in me as soon as I find a rhyme for Shizzel. Hell, I know I could use Nizzle but dats too old school for this boyeeee. I'm too dope for dat!" Silverstein dreams of being able to teach the art of Facebook status. He also looks forward to one day meeting a person from "da hood".
Oil Soaked Otter being Accused of Being a Bad Actor
OAK HARBOR, WA—Executives from the Shell Oil Company blasted a floundering, oil-covered sea otter Monday, accusing the small aquatic mammal of grossly exaggerating the effects of last week's hazardous petroleum spill.
According to Shell president Marvin Odum, the otter has been putting on "quite a show" in front of rescue workers and clean-up crews, and is making the 860,000-gallon, three-mile-wide toxic slick seem like a much bigger deal than it actually is.
"He's fine," said Odum, referring to the 40-pound sea creature, who was found washed ashore and appeared to be suffering from anaphylactic shock. "Trust me, before all of the cameras and reporters showed up, our little buddy here was having no problem at all cleaning himself off. Now, all of a sudden, it's severe spastic convulsions this and complete kidney failure that.
"Seriously, come on, this isn't Broadway!" the Shell executive continued. "Talk about laying it on thick."
Headlines We're Working On
- Bottled water accused of being " Too tasteless".
- Lifeguard drowns in bathtub.
- "Y.M.C.A." stumps local spelling bee contestant.
- 10 Million dollar study reveals "inability to live" is now the #1 cause of death.
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